Anniversary

9th October 2005 - the day my Dad died. So today is the first 'anniversary'. It really just feels like any other day. I don't 'feel' much at all. Not like any other anniversary where it's nice to look back and think over 'this time a year ago'. I don't particularly want to do that, and I don't see why I should. But I suppose anniversaries not only cause us to look back at the day being marked, but also over the whole year in between, which I am happy to do.

It has been a journey - probably sounds corny, but it has. And the journey really started way before last year, and it has been something I have been meaning to write about since I started this blog. So now maybe it is the time to do it, and somehow 'mark' this anniversary. Everything I'm going to write about is very personal, and I don't think anyone should apply it to their own life at all.

Something going wrong in my life didn’t entirely come as a shock or huge blow to me. Dad’s death itself was a shock because I didn’t know that was going to happen; but I truly believe the Lord prepared me for something to happen and made me more ready than if it had happened 2 or 3 years beforehand.

I remember in my second year at uni constantly hearing Christian talks about sufferings and hardships. Not the sort that are a direct result of being a Christian, like persecution, but the sort we have no control over, like illness or death. All these talks pointed to the Bible and the amount of suffering in there of the Lord’s people. Also, the Bible is full of passages, verses and statements about the Lord’s comfort, love, closeness in times of trouble and so on. It seemed so obvious to me that God does not give His people an easy ride in life, that becoming a Christian in no way guarantees a trouble free life. But my life did seem trouble free!!! I had the occasional upset and things I found difficult, but nothing big. And here were people recounting time after time the problems they’d had with grief and pain. All of them were able to testify to God’s goodness and sustaining arm in these times, but all the same I became overwhelmed with a fear that something would happen to me.

I remember ringing Dan up one Sunday evening after I’d been at a Christian meeting. I’d heard many of these talks, and then someone at this meeting did a talk about suffering and listed off all these recent problems he’d had – just one thing after another. I couldn’t begin to imagine how he must have coped through all this. I was so scared about something happening to me, and I was not ready to cope with this. Dan came out with some words of wisdom which I can’t recall now, but I remember feeling reassured that the Lord would be there if any troubles came my way and that He is sovereign – anything that happens is all part of His plan, which may be confusing but we can trust in it.

I didn't feel so scared afer that night, but I did become more and more aware that troubles may one day come my way. I had continued to meet Christians who have been through so much heartache while at the same time my life just seemed to get easier. I had come out of my teenage years, which were admittedly very difficult at times but no huge tragedy; living away from home had made me love and appreciate my home more and more, which included getting closer and closer to Dad, and I was just generally very happy. I got married and things fell in to place – we got a house, both had jobs, found a lovely church, were very contented. Life was wonderful and the Lord truly blessed us. But I began to get such a profoundly deep sense that I shouldn’t take all this for granted. Particularly last year (2005) I felt so strongly that none of us are untouchable. It is so easy to think that ‘things don’t happen to me’ and I have, I guess, gone through life with that sort of attitude. But this attitude started to disappear. Of course things could happen to me!! Look at all these ordinary Christian people all around me who had been scaring me with their tragic stories of heartache and grief!

And then last year, starting around February, our pastor did a wonderful series of sermons on Job. I was hooked on these. They were so heartfelt and portrayed such a wonderful display of man in relation to God. I learnt so much from Job – a man of God who suffered so much, yet never cursed the Lord, even though eventually he began to question God wrongly. But he also made some amazing statements: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I shall return. The Lord gave and the Lord had taken away, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD’. And I also learnt so much of God. He allowed all of Job’s suffering to happen. He was completely sovereign in it all. Job really struggled, but God was always good. When God finally speaks at the end of Job, He never once gives Job the reason behind his suffering. He displays His awesome power through His questioning of Job, and makes it clear what a mighty God He is. Who are we to question the Creator of the heavens and the earth? And Job just had to conclude that he had been questioning things 'too wonderful' for him to ever understand.

Through most of these sermons I just hung on every word. I felt so comforted by the truths about God through Job, yet I had nothing to be comforted for! But there were times where my eyes welled up and I felt God so near and felt so strongly that He would sustain me through any trouble, that he would give ‘songs in the night’, as Job spoke of - it almost felt real, like I was being strengthened through a tough time, but it hadn’t even happened! This was very strange, but again helped me to know that I am not untouchable. God is sovereign and can do as He pleases. As He showed in Job, He does not have to give an account of Himself to any of us.

It was hard to put all these thoughts into words. It still is. It might sound like I was being morbid and fatalistic, but it wasn't that at all. I was talking to Mum only a few weeks before Dad died and telling her how I feel we should all be prepared for anything to happen. Not to go about with a sense of foreboding, but just not to take anything for granted, to know that God is good and gives us great blessings, but He will do as He will. I said to Mum that I feel that something will happen, now or one day in the future – but I couldn’t explain it, as I can’t here. It wasn’t that I knew something was going to happen, just that I felt I was being prepared in case something did happen. I didn’t understand it myself at the time, so can’t really put it in to words now.

But I also had other feelings last year that at the time I didn’t really think anything of, but now I look back and can see God in it, preparing me and helping me to really appreciate His gifts while we have them. Just thoughts about Dad, and my family and childhood - personal, special thoughts and feelings - thoughts and feelings that I now count as a real blessing that I really am thankful for.

I don't believe that I knew something was going to happen, but I do believe God was very gracious to me before it did. I am always reluctant to share this stuff with people because I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want people who understand that suffering comes to Christians, or worry about it, to start thinking that their thoughts mean something and something bad will happen. That is being fatalistic. This is all very personal to me, but stuff I share because it is part of my ongoing testimony. I believe God deals differently with us all. For me, if I never had any thoughts about struggles and pain, I don't think I would have coped very well. But I know other Christians who have never considered trouble coming to them, and when it does, they get through it. In the last year I have had panicky thoughts about bad things happening and sometimes read far too much into them....they always just turn out to be me worrying and come to nothing. I spent a whole week recently literally feeling sick with worry over some stupid events that caused me to be convinced of something bad. I had all the course of events and reasons worked out, and got myself in such a state! My worrying and stress was a complete waste of time! My 'predictions' are almost always wrong!!! I don't believe God reveals our futures to us, so we should not be fatalistic or worry unreasonably about anything. I'm the sort of person who looks too deeply for meaning into every little thought that pops into my head! I think this is wrong, and is different to what I have been describing above. I believe all of that was from God, but I have no idea what God has in store for me in the future. I don't dare to believe that I have had my turn - that that's it for me and nothing else will go wrong. But I also know that God could choose to bless me and give me a wonderful pain free life for the rest of my days. All I know is, my whole perspective on life and God has changed and I feel content to let God have His way (even though it is quite scary to say so). I also know how good God is through the dark days. But after all this waffle and jumbled thoughts I haven't reflected on those dark days yet. I will have to write about them later because there is no time now.