Anniversary 2 - and the close of a chapter (or book!)!!

So my last post was all about before Dad died, and now I want to write a bit about the year since (although most of it has been captured in all the previous posts since the blog was started anyway!).

Although I did say I wasn't reflecting on the weekend Dad died too much, I do want to mention something about then. We only really found out there was a problem with Dad the day before he died, and from finding out I had absolutely no peace at all about the situation, not even really much hope. Of course I prayed that Dad would be ok, but that gave no reassurance. Sometimes prayer can give real peace, but not this time. And it wasn't that God felt far away, quite the opposite. Again, I can't really explain.

It's times like that when I have questions about prayer. The Bible tells us to ask in Jesus' name and he will give us the desires of our hearts. The desire of my heart was obviously that Dad would be ok. But he wasn't. I desired him to live. But he didn't. The Bible also tells us to pray in accordance with God's will. It clearly wasn't God's will for Dad to live, so I obviously wasn't praying in accordance with God's will when asking that he would. But it was the desire of my heart. So how do you equate these two things? It is a tricky one. I guess it comes down to the meaning of praying in Jesus' name. It's easy to miss those little qualifications from these sorts of statements. I'm guessing praying in Jesus' name must have something to do with praying in accordance with the will of God, and is much more than simply adding the words at the end of a prayer.

Also, I've prayed prayers before - things that are the desires of my heart, such as I would know God more deeply, that certain family members would be brought closer to God. Surely these things must be the will of God - he must want His children to come closer to him. And Dad's death seems to have brought some of these things about - other prayers that have been the desire of my heart have been answered as I have wished (to some extent!), through what I did not desire. So, that has given me a lot to think about.

And I said I didn't have peace before he died. The time I did eventually have peace was when my Mum and I were told the bad news by the doctor. When they told us, I felt peace - a kind of relief that the anguish was over, but also peace that can only come from above. My Mum said she felt it too. I cannot explain it, but it was quite beautiful in amongst the dreadful feeling of shock and numbness. It was as though God was impressing upon us that He was in control.

And there began the journey through grief, which I think I have pretty much got through now. When I look back at everything, I sometimes ask myself if I wish it had been different, that none of it had ever happened. That is a tough question. Obviously my first reply would be to say yes - I would love to still have my Dad, and for Mum to still have her husband. I don't think the ache of his loss will ever go away. But really, when I think more deeply, I don't know if I would wish it away. It was the will of God after all, and as I keep saying, it has changed my perspective on life in what I believe to be valuable ways.

The first couple of weeks were very special - I think they really were the days of 'songs in the night' (literal nights, but also what I call dark days as well). If only I could know the Lord as close always, without the circumstances. But I guess God draws extra close when we are going through the valleys. Without the valleys, would we know so much about the joy? (that's a question, not a statement!). The joy of the Lord has become more real, more of a treasure since this valley.

And throughout the whole year, I think that I've learnt more about how God relates to us than ever before. Relationship with God has become sweet and refreshing to the soul, rather than simply fact (as it often was). I'm still as rubbish in my quiet times and everything like that, but as I say, my perspective and understanding has changed. Jesus and the hope have heaven has become more precious.

Also, as I wrote in one previous post, I have had quite a number of friends go through very difficult trials this year. It has given me a greater insight into struggles than I have ever had before, and even greater confidence that Christ is our only hope. And it is so amazing he has made this hope possible. I thank God that the hope has been brought to reality for my Dad.

I don't ever want to forget the past year - I hope I always treasure it for what it has taught me. And it has been very helpful writing the blog about it all. But here it all ends... sort of. I have always intended to stop this blog eventually, because I set it up with the intention of writing about the very specific topic of losing Dad, but I knew that I wouldn't need to do that forever. I want to put some closure on it all now, and I don't really have much else to write about it. I'm doing fine now. However....I enjoy blogging!!! So I'm going to keep it up, but I don't really know what to write about! So any suggestions.............