Steps backwards

It hasn’t been an easy weekend. I feel like I have taken so many steps backwards in dealing with everything. So many of the awful feelings that I had felt at the start, and had thankfully eased a lot, came back this weekend.

I was fine on Friday. We had a carol service in the evening at church and beforehand I was there by myself decorating the building and feeling all Christmassy. I was honestly beginning to believe that I was strong enough to get through Christmas and still have a great time despite the obvious absence of Dad. But just before I was going to pop home for some dinner Dan called and said that someone had driven in to him and that although he was fine, the car was a bit of a mess, and very likely a write off.

This would be annoying in normal circumstances, but the car is Dad’s car that we bought off Mum. It means a great deal to us – perhaps a bit too much as it is just a ‘thing’. But it’s a lovely car that Dad was so proud off. My Dad and brothers were very into cars and seemed to know everything about every car going. For as long as I can remember there’s been a lot of friendly rivalry over cars in our family and it’s been a lot of fun at times. Despite this, Dad was very disciplined and had the same old car for about10 years, until finally in February he got this new car. He was very chuffed with it, and when he died it was difficult seeing the car in the garage not being used. We have tended to keep cars in the family, so we all agreed that Dad would have loved it if one of his children had the car. We had hoped to be able to keep it for many years and use it one day as a family car.

So, although many people may not be able to understand, it has been really upsetting to see the car all smashed up and to know that we probably won’t be able to get it fixed. It is so much more to us than a car – it is a reminder of many of the fun times and friendly banter we had with Dad. I went straight round to the pastor who lives next door to the church after I heard. We are very close to him and his wife, and both have been fantastic through this. I said I feel quite guilty being so upset over losing a possession, but he didn’t think there was anything wrong with this at all. Having lost parents at a similar age to me, he knows that sometimes possessions become far more when they are associated with someone we have lost. He reminded me that we Christians can be so hard on ourselves sometimes when we think that we are thinking or feeling something that is wrong for a Christian. But being humans we are bound to feel certain things, and this is one of those situations where I shouldn’t feel guilty for how I’m feeling.

And it’s not just about the car. It just brought so much back. When Dan told me, I had the same feeling that I had when we had it confirmed that Dad’s problem was his heart – the feeling of ‘hang on a minute, this can’t happen’. It was like waiting again, not knowing how serious it was. Wondering if we were going to lose the car brought back intense feelings of wondering if we were going to lose Dad.

So the rest of the weekend has been tough. Many emotions have come back that I thought I’d got over. I’ve started feeling sorry for Dad again, something that I really, really struggled with when it first happened and just couldn’t work through. I’ve also started dreaming about him again, something that had stopped and was a great relief that it had. I’ve also felt very fragile and tearful and all the carol singing and Christmas stuff this weekend has all been a bit overwhelming.

However, I am now feeling a bit more philosophical about what has happened to the car. I really want it to be sorted out, but I wonder if it is the best thing if it can’t be. I wonder if maybe Dan and I were too protective over it and that maybe I was holding on to Dad through it. We have no need to hold on to him because he’s not lost, but has gone home! Dad was not one to be precious about his possessions, but the car did mean a lot to him, so I think to others in my family it is sometimes quite a painful thing to still have around. Although it’s sad now, perhaps it will make things easier for everyone in the long run. If it can be fixed, I think I will now be far more ready and prepared for the fact that cars are fragile things, which can be ruined in an instant. They are certainly not objects that we can expect to always have around.

So now we will just wait and see what happens, and I’m sure, as I have been, I will be able to work through this set back and through Christmas, however tough it may be.