Wow – February was a long time ago. I realise that means I haven’t written for a long time. Rachel pointed this out to me a few weeks ago and it made me think about why, especially as the blog was a real help in expressing how I felt.
3 months have passed since I last wrote, and I was looking at my last couple of entries and realised I really do feel very different compared to then. And in total it’s been 8 months since Dad died, so time really has passed. As with everything I guess, in some ways it does feel like many months ago, but in other ways it doesn’t. But emotionally I feel like it was some time ago because for the last couple of months I haven’t felt bad at all.
Back in February I felt horrible – so stressed and tense and emotional all the time; a completely different type of grief to the immediate and overwhelming sorrow that was felt at the start. But as horrible as the stress was, both emotionally and physically, I think it was a necessary and helpful stage to go through. I don’t know how precise the well known 5 stages of grief are, but I certainly feel there are definite stages that are necessary to go through in order to move on.
I feel I have gone through 2 major stages, perhaps with smaller stages in between. For the first 3 months I cried a great deal and wanted to talk about Dad all the time. That was a very painful and confusing time, but I am so glad I was able to cry as much as I did and so soon. If people don’t cry straight away, I am convinced they will at some stage, even if years down the line. People may have different opinions to me, but I don’t think we begin to get through grief until we start to cry, until we start to mourn (perhaps Rachel will have some thoughts on this!!). So therefore, I think I was helped so much by having an intense time of grief and tears at the start.
After that time, I just felt irritated, stressed, and sometimes angry. I got a lot of chest pains and ached a lot. My stomach felt knotted and I felt like I was nervous, even though there was nothing to be nervous about. I found it much harder to talk about what had happened, and almost felt embarrassed to cry. I hated this time. Half the time I didn’t even know why I was irritated or what was making me so wound up. But I know it was linked to Dad dying. It always felt like something was wrong, even when my immediate circumstances were fine. However, I’m sure this was another necessary stage for me.
At the end of March I went with my Mum for a long weekend to Barcelona. We had a wonderful time and I think it was a great idea for both of us. I had already begun to feel a lot more relaxed, and the holiday helped. Then came April 9th – the six month mark. It felt quite significant. I couldn’t believe 6 months had passed, but looking back I was amazed at how much I’d learnt over that time and how much the pain had begun to heal. And since then I’ve felt so much better. I don’t feel like I’m ‘grieving’ any more, just like I’m still vulnerable to getting upset, as there are many things that bring the tears to my eyes. I’m a very open person normally, and I have had no problem in talking to anyone who asks about how I’m feeling, or even the details about how Dad died. I would hate for people to feel they can’t mention my Dad anymore, but because I feel a lot better, I prefer to carry around my thoughts inside - I feel far less need to share them.
So perhaps that’s why I haven’t written for a long time. I feel I have worked through my pain and confusion significantly, and although I still have lots of times of sadness, I feel they are almost personal. Many things remind me of Dad, and looking to a number of things in the future makes me sad, but I no longer feel I have to share every thought and emotion. I carry thoughts of my Dad in my heart all the time. I think of him every day and miss him so very much. But there comes a time to move on. By writing my thoughts and feelings all the time, I feel I wouldn’t move on. And I feel like I need to be at this stage in order to help my Mum who is now struggling much more that at first.
I always knew this blog wouldn’t last forever as it was intended to help me with my journey through grief, and to let friends know how I am. I haven’t finished with it just yet – I still think it will help from time to time, and I am not being hasty in thinking that all is ok now – I am nervous about the summer and the memories that it will bring – nostalgia which no doubt will hurt. Plus, I really want to write about what I’ve learnt, and somehow put into writing the blessings that I wanted to write about at the start, but never did. I think this is important, as it is easy to begin to forget God’s goodness when we start to feel ok. But I just wanted to explain why I haven’t written for a long time, and thanks for Rachel for prompting me to write again.
3 months have passed since I last wrote, and I was looking at my last couple of entries and realised I really do feel very different compared to then. And in total it’s been 8 months since Dad died, so time really has passed. As with everything I guess, in some ways it does feel like many months ago, but in other ways it doesn’t. But emotionally I feel like it was some time ago because for the last couple of months I haven’t felt bad at all.
Back in February I felt horrible – so stressed and tense and emotional all the time; a completely different type of grief to the immediate and overwhelming sorrow that was felt at the start. But as horrible as the stress was, both emotionally and physically, I think it was a necessary and helpful stage to go through. I don’t know how precise the well known 5 stages of grief are, but I certainly feel there are definite stages that are necessary to go through in order to move on.
I feel I have gone through 2 major stages, perhaps with smaller stages in between. For the first 3 months I cried a great deal and wanted to talk about Dad all the time. That was a very painful and confusing time, but I am so glad I was able to cry as much as I did and so soon. If people don’t cry straight away, I am convinced they will at some stage, even if years down the line. People may have different opinions to me, but I don’t think we begin to get through grief until we start to cry, until we start to mourn (perhaps Rachel will have some thoughts on this!!). So therefore, I think I was helped so much by having an intense time of grief and tears at the start.
After that time, I just felt irritated, stressed, and sometimes angry. I got a lot of chest pains and ached a lot. My stomach felt knotted and I felt like I was nervous, even though there was nothing to be nervous about. I found it much harder to talk about what had happened, and almost felt embarrassed to cry. I hated this time. Half the time I didn’t even know why I was irritated or what was making me so wound up. But I know it was linked to Dad dying. It always felt like something was wrong, even when my immediate circumstances were fine. However, I’m sure this was another necessary stage for me.
At the end of March I went with my Mum for a long weekend to Barcelona. We had a wonderful time and I think it was a great idea for both of us. I had already begun to feel a lot more relaxed, and the holiday helped. Then came April 9th – the six month mark. It felt quite significant. I couldn’t believe 6 months had passed, but looking back I was amazed at how much I’d learnt over that time and how much the pain had begun to heal. And since then I’ve felt so much better. I don’t feel like I’m ‘grieving’ any more, just like I’m still vulnerable to getting upset, as there are many things that bring the tears to my eyes. I’m a very open person normally, and I have had no problem in talking to anyone who asks about how I’m feeling, or even the details about how Dad died. I would hate for people to feel they can’t mention my Dad anymore, but because I feel a lot better, I prefer to carry around my thoughts inside - I feel far less need to share them.
So perhaps that’s why I haven’t written for a long time. I feel I have worked through my pain and confusion significantly, and although I still have lots of times of sadness, I feel they are almost personal. Many things remind me of Dad, and looking to a number of things in the future makes me sad, but I no longer feel I have to share every thought and emotion. I carry thoughts of my Dad in my heart all the time. I think of him every day and miss him so very much. But there comes a time to move on. By writing my thoughts and feelings all the time, I feel I wouldn’t move on. And I feel like I need to be at this stage in order to help my Mum who is now struggling much more that at first.
I always knew this blog wouldn’t last forever as it was intended to help me with my journey through grief, and to let friends know how I am. I haven’t finished with it just yet – I still think it will help from time to time, and I am not being hasty in thinking that all is ok now – I am nervous about the summer and the memories that it will bring – nostalgia which no doubt will hurt. Plus, I really want to write about what I’ve learnt, and somehow put into writing the blessings that I wanted to write about at the start, but never did. I think this is important, as it is easy to begin to forget God’s goodness when we start to feel ok. But I just wanted to explain why I haven’t written for a long time, and thanks for Rachel for prompting me to write again.
1 comment:
I have to agree with you Jo - I think that crying, or mourning, is a really important stage of grieving, and when people don't do this at first, it catches up with them at some point. I don't think at this stage though I have any more knowledge of this than you do!
I am so glad that you have been able to work though the grief and pain and confusion to a point where you are if not healed, significantly better than you have been. It is good that you feel you can be strong now to support your mum in her struggles too (how is she btw - you can email me if you like!).
It's great to hear how God has blessed you through such a difficult time - it is so wonderful when we see God working in the 'ground zero' places. I have found your blog both touching and encouraging. Thankyou for sharing it with us!
Rachel
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