End of an old year, beginning of a new

Well, we’ve done Christmas and it was ok – actually it was really nice. It was completely different to other years, mostly because we were all at my brother’s house. I don’t think Mum has spent Christmas at someone else’s house in around 28 years, and last year was the first Christmas I spent away from the home I grew up in, so it was certainly different. I think it’s the time to start new traditions for Christmas, or maybe have no traditions at all. I don’t know how long it will be before we would enjoy Christmas at Mum’s house again because it would be so strange without Dad, so it’s probably best to do away with the traditions.

I thought about Dad a lot, but it was ok and I didn’t dwell on it too much. But I really missed him after the Christmas weekend and have cried quite a lot. Dan and I spent New Year at Mum’s, and although at the start I didn’t find it hard being back at the house, it did feel empty this time. Even things on TV that were on didn’t feel quite right, like all the old sitcoms. As far back as I can remember Dad loved all of these, and I realise now part of the fun of watching them was seeing him chuckle at them, and just the cosy memories of growing up and being at home on dark Saturday evenings while we would all watch them. It feels strange seeing them now. Not that he’d be missing them in heaven (!), but we miss sharing these things with him.

I’ve brought a jumper of Dad’s home with me. I don’t know what I’ll do with it, but he always had a certain style of jumper and when I think of him he’s always wearing one of those jumpers that I’ve got stored in my mind. There was something about them – perhaps they just provide me with a comforting image of the man who was my Dad and made me feel safe as a kid, and who had become a Grandad and probably was beginning to look like Grandads should look (whatever that is like - I’m sure we each have our own idea and I have mine but I can’t quite describe it – not old and frail like mine now is, but just Grandad!). So I have chosen the jumper that best fits the picture I have of Dad in my mind. It’s hanging in my wardrobe and I guess I’ll look at it from time to time – hopefully it will make me smile.

And now it’s a new year. I have absolutely no plans for the first time in my life. It’s strange. So who knows – perhaps it will be a very ordinary year or maybe there are lots of exciting things in store. I know it will be a year that we will continue to struggle with the loss of Dad, and I’ve learnt that anything can happen and we should be prepared to accept whatever God’s will is for us, exciting or hard. So, here I am, back at work, back in to the routine, ready for a new year.