Preaching, suffering & comfort

I've been thinking about my church and how I am so glad God led Dan and I there. Although not the perfect church (where is?!) I know I am meant to be there. I just feel like I'm part of a huge family.

The preaching is so inspired. It is not academic or technical, but on the other hand it is so deep. It really satisfies. It teaches deep theology, but speaks right into your heart. I've never gone through a period in my life where week after week I feel like the preaching is speaking right to me and gets my heart racing because it applies to the reality of my life and what I am experiencing now. It makes me smile, makes me feel shame, makes me feel like I want to burst with joy, brings the tears to my eyes, makes me excited as the Bible is unpacked....it is so REAL! I love other styles of preaching too, but this is perfect for me for now (so thanks to God for so gifting my pastor!).

I think that has to be what real preaching is all about...a message that is so inspired by God that it cuts straight to the hearts of the listeners, and then really binds them together. That's what I feel is happening at my church. People are real with each other and I see love displayed everywhere. A couple of weeks ago we went away on a church weekend for fun and relaxation, but also teaching and worship. It was wonderful - I nearly cried when we had to leave! I think this openness and love that is deeply displayed is largely a result of two things - God speaking through the Word as described above, and through suffering among members of the church. And the two are affected and shaped by the each other - that is, the suffering in the church informs the preaching need, and the preaching speaks into the darkness of the suffering.

I have noticed more and more over the year and a bit that we have been there, is that it is a church full of sorrows. We have possibly 40 - 50 people come and I can't think of many who are not carrying great burdens, or who have not gone through hard times recently. There is so much to share in prayer times, and many tears are shed. I may have found the death of Dad hard, but listening to the problems of others I wonder how they cope.

So it's made me think. Paul wrote so much about suffering, especially his own. He admitted he was downcast and needed comforting. And he spoke about the ministry of comfort, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God...."(2 Cor 1:3f). I am becoming convinced that the depth of suffering in my church is what has drawn everyone so close together. I am just being challenged around how people often really grow through suffering, and it is also a great opportunity for people to comfort and draw near to one another. I believe that Christians should be open and ready to share with one another, willing to receive the comfort and the prayers that others can offer. I definately welcomed the comfort that people offered to me when Dad died. I get so excited at church to hear preaching which is usually very applicable for those who are suffering, and then to see it worked out among everyone.

I have a lot more thoughts on this, and would also like to write about a sermon series that was preached before my Dad died, but that is all for another time.

Reflections

Wow – February was a long time ago. I realise that means I haven’t written for a long time. Rachel pointed this out to me a few weeks ago and it made me think about why, especially as the blog was a real help in expressing how I felt.

3 months have passed since I last wrote, and I was looking at my last couple of entries and realised I really do feel very different compared to then. And in total it’s been 8 months since Dad died, so time really has passed. As with everything I guess, in some ways it does feel like many months ago, but in other ways it doesn’t. But emotionally I feel like it was some time ago because for the last couple of months I haven’t felt bad at all.

Back in February I felt horrible – so stressed and tense and emotional all the time; a completely different type of grief to the immediate and overwhelming sorrow that was felt at the start. But as horrible as the stress was, both emotionally and physically, I think it was a necessary and helpful stage to go through. I don’t know how precise the well known 5 stages of grief are, but I certainly feel there are definite stages that are necessary to go through in order to move on.

I feel I have gone through 2 major stages, perhaps with smaller stages in between. For the first 3 months I cried a great deal and wanted to talk about Dad all the time. That was a very painful and confusing time, but I am so glad I was able to cry as much as I did and so soon. If people don’t cry straight away, I am convinced they will at some stage, even if years down the line. People may have different opinions to me, but I don’t think we begin to get through grief until we start to cry, until we start to mourn (perhaps Rachel will have some thoughts on this!!). So therefore, I think I was helped so much by having an intense time of grief and tears at the start.

After that time, I just felt irritated, stressed, and sometimes angry. I got a lot of chest pains and ached a lot. My stomach felt knotted and I felt like I was nervous, even though there was nothing to be nervous about. I found it much harder to talk about what had happened, and almost felt embarrassed to cry. I hated this time. Half the time I didn’t even know why I was irritated or what was making me so wound up. But I know it was linked to Dad dying. It always felt like something was wrong, even when my immediate circumstances were fine. However, I’m sure this was another necessary stage for me.

At the end of March I went with my Mum for a long weekend to Barcelona. We had a wonderful time and I think it was a great idea for both of us. I had already begun to feel a lot more relaxed, and the holiday helped. Then came April 9th – the six month mark. It felt quite significant. I couldn’t believe 6 months had passed, but looking back I was amazed at how much I’d learnt over that time and how much the pain had begun to heal. And since then I’ve felt so much better. I don’t feel like I’m ‘grieving’ any more, just like I’m still vulnerable to getting upset, as there are many things that bring the tears to my eyes. I’m a very open person normally, and I have had no problem in talking to anyone who asks about how I’m feeling, or even the details about how Dad died. I would hate for people to feel they can’t mention my Dad anymore, but because I feel a lot better, I prefer to carry around my thoughts inside - I feel far less need to share them.

So perhaps that’s why I haven’t written for a long time. I feel I have worked through my pain and confusion significantly, and although I still have lots of times of sadness, I feel they are almost personal. Many things remind me of Dad, and looking to a number of things in the future makes me sad, but I no longer feel I have to share every thought and emotion. I carry thoughts of my Dad in my heart all the time. I think of him every day and miss him so very much. But there comes a time to move on. By writing my thoughts and feelings all the time, I feel I wouldn’t move on. And I feel like I need to be at this stage in order to help my Mum who is now struggling much more that at first.

I always knew this blog wouldn’t last forever as it was intended to help me with my journey through grief, and to let friends know how I am. I haven’t finished with it just yet – I still think it will help from time to time, and I am not being hasty in thinking that all is ok now – I am nervous about the summer and the memories that it will bring – nostalgia which no doubt will hurt. Plus, I really want to write about what I’ve learnt, and somehow put into writing the blessings that I wanted to write about at the start, but never did. I think this is important, as it is easy to begin to forget God’s goodness when we start to feel ok. But I just wanted to explain why I haven’t written for a long time, and thanks for Rachel for prompting me to write again.