'The New Narnia'

Whilst everyone has been in the grip of Harry potter, I have been in the grip of the Chronicles of Narnia. I have read the first 3 before when I was a kid, but in the last few months I have decided to read all 7. I have just finished the final one, 'The Last Battle', and i can totally understand why adults still get captivated by kid's fantasy novels! I have loved this series and my kids will definitely be reading it! I have come away from most reading sessions having learnt something simple but challenging about God or my own Christian Walk. The Christian analogies that C.S.Lewis uses throughout all 7 books are so much more obvious and blatant than I used to think they were.

Yesterday I finished 'The Last Battle' and fell asleep thinking of the new heavens and earth, as I had just read C.S.Lewis' beautiful description of the new Narnia. I know he was writing fantasy and wanted to make it as captivating as possible, and if you can write fantasy you clearly have a great imagination, but I was challenged by how C.S. Lewis must have really meditated upon heaven and what he thought it would be like. I am not suggesting the descriptions he used were what he thought heaven is like...obviously he was writing his book on Narnia (although that may be what he thought of heaven). The point I'm getting at is that he clearly got that heaven is so much better than this life, just as his new Narnia was so much better than the old Narnia, and he was able to use his imagination in this.

I was challenged because firstly I don't think about heaven enough, and then when I do my imagination is so limited. I know none of us know what heaven is truely going to be like, but surely there is enough description in the Bible to get our imaginations going and to meditate on how much better it will be? Too often I am engrossed in this life so my mind does not focus on heaven. Sometimes I think there will be things here that I will miss...how small my understanding must be!!

I would recommend the whole Chronicles of Narnia, but if anyone ever needs a bit of help focussing on heaven, in addition to what is already in the Bible I would say read 'The Last Battle' for a bit of inspirationfrom C.S.Lewis.

My Secret Place

I am reading a book which has actually moved me to write on this blog (must be a miracle), and no it is not a john Piper book (another miracle!!). It is a book on prayer by a lady called Denise George and the book is entitled, "God's Gentle Whisper - developing a responsive heart to God". I was attracted to it the other day because I usually read quite 'heavy' books, and whilst I enjoy them and it is what I prefer, sometimes I feel far more blessed by the simpler, very practical Christian books. This one looked like one of those simple ones, and as I so often struggle with prayer, and am struggling to find time to read much at the moment I decided to give it a go.

It has turned out to be far from simple.....It IS a simple book because it is very easy to read, it can be read quickly and I would definitely recommend it to someone who is not normally a reader. HOWEVER, at the same time I personally have found it so profoundly deep because the author clearly 'gets' prayer, and what she describes is what I have been longing for, but have perhaps not thought to be valid prayer.

The book is in 3 short sections and I have only read the first section, so that is really all I am referring to here because I cannot comment on the rest of the book. The first section is called, 'The Waiting Heart', and the first chapter (which blessed me the most) is called 'Standing on the Mountain: The Secret Place' (particularly making reference to Elijah standing on the mountain waiting for God).

The reason I am writing about this book here is because it is related to the time that my Dad died (which has obviously been the theme of this whole blog) because it has answered questions as to how and why I felt so close to God for the weeks following, even though I felt I never really prayed. Now I see that I was praying, or at least in communion with God, all along.

After Dad died I had little energy to pray, and didn't really know what to say, but God was so near, and my thoughts were on Him. I always feel that I didn't particularly deserve God's closeness at that time because I didn't really make the effort to pray. I feel that when I tell people that 'God was so good and I felt so close to Him' that I am somehow deceiving them because I didn't really form any particular long prayers. But now I think I understand. I was meeting with God in my 'secret place' and praying prayers that WORDS cannot express. When I felt so full of sorrow and just wanted God to help, He met with me.

Without the book in front of me at the moment I can't really describe what I am trying to say here - I need to write some extracts from the book which perhaps I will do later. But what came to me that might make it clearer is that when you are with a friend and you are upset, you may just cry, and they may just hug you. You don't say any words, but you are sharing that burden with them, off-loading it on them, and they are there with you in a very special way because you know they love and care, and are taking some of that burden. Words are not ALWAYS necessary for deep communion and connection of hearts to have taken place. There are times when words would just spoil everything. However, I have never really applied this to God, who knows all our thoughts anyway! And I realise now that when Dad died, the communion I had with God was very deep. That time was valid and real and I do not have to feel that I am misleading or deceiving anyone when I tell them God was near and I felt close to Him. When I cried and my heart ached, I was off-loading that on God. I WAS giving Him my burdens even though words were often not part of it. I was in prayer. I was in my secret place where God is, and our hearts were connected.

That is an amazing thing for me to have realised. I know to others this is all probably obvious, but somehow I have always felt guilty if I have not formed conscious prayers. And I think this can apply in pleasure as well as pain. I think of the many times where Dan and I have been so happy or were having fun. We knew what one another was thinking, but to speak would almost ruin it. Using no words did not mean we were not sharing and growing together in our relationship. It's the same with God! There have been many times where I have sat and looked at an awesome scene - like on a mountain or at a sunset or out to sea - my heart has been filled with gratitude to God. I have not always prayed with words on those occasions, but it was as though God was right beside me and we were sharing the moment together. Those times have been awesome, but I have sometimes felt guilty because I wasn't 'praying', and how can I have those awesome times when I don't 'pray' nearly enough?! But now I know I WAS PRAYING!!!

And again, when there have been big decisions to make, or when I look at the problems in the world and am overwhelmed.....my words cannot express these things. All I may have been able to say is 'HELP'. Or sometimes if I am overwhelmed at my sin all I can say is 'sorry'. What a pathetic effort at prayer I have always thought. Maybe... if I was just using 'help' or 'sorry' as mere words. But when that 'help' or 'sorry' expresses all my deepest burdens and is the result of a heart that is overwhelmed, and I am spending time in the PRESENCE of God, waiting for Him (maybe even waiting for Him to move me to use words, and to help me with those words?) then no, it is not a pathetic attempt at prayer.

Now, all this could become an excuse for me not to pray in a way where I have thought out carefully my prayers and used words. It's very tempting actually because there is no doubt about it that I am very lazy at prayer. I'm not suggesting for one moment that what I have been talking about means proper formed prayers are not necessary. I believe it is a very important discipline to go through with God the things that need prayer, and to make prayer lists and all of that sort of thing. I think this should be something done daily. BUT, for me personally, those times of communion with God without many words have blessed me very much and it is these times that I believe could really help me with my more structured prayer times, now that I have come to realise that they are a good thing and do count as prayer. These are the times where I really do feel that I have me with the Living God. I'm sure the more anyone feels they have met with God, the better they will become at prayer, and will feel more driven to prayer.

I will write more about this when I have the book in front of me, because I have done a real injustice to this book! I am really only picking up on a couple of points she has made in the third of the book I have read so far, and I have also applied it very much to my own circumstances, which means it probably is not reflecting accurately what she said!! I will quote some of the parts that really blessed me. I haven't even talked about the title of the book - God's Gentle Whisper - which I would like to do.

I just wanted to write this here because I have been excited about it all!

And now I have finally gotten around to writing a blog!!!!!

The mind is blank!

Help!! I want to write, but since last time I haven't been able to think of anything. There are loads of things I could write, but it all seems so pointless and random. Until now I have had a purpose and a need to write, but now.....

So anyway, I am going to keep thinking, but for now, nothing! Just wanted to make it clear that the blog is still alive!!

Anniversary 2 - and the close of a chapter (or book!)!!

So my last post was all about before Dad died, and now I want to write a bit about the year since (although most of it has been captured in all the previous posts since the blog was started anyway!).

Although I did say I wasn't reflecting on the weekend Dad died too much, I do want to mention something about then. We only really found out there was a problem with Dad the day before he died, and from finding out I had absolutely no peace at all about the situation, not even really much hope. Of course I prayed that Dad would be ok, but that gave no reassurance. Sometimes prayer can give real peace, but not this time. And it wasn't that God felt far away, quite the opposite. Again, I can't really explain.

It's times like that when I have questions about prayer. The Bible tells us to ask in Jesus' name and he will give us the desires of our hearts. The desire of my heart was obviously that Dad would be ok. But he wasn't. I desired him to live. But he didn't. The Bible also tells us to pray in accordance with God's will. It clearly wasn't God's will for Dad to live, so I obviously wasn't praying in accordance with God's will when asking that he would. But it was the desire of my heart. So how do you equate these two things? It is a tricky one. I guess it comes down to the meaning of praying in Jesus' name. It's easy to miss those little qualifications from these sorts of statements. I'm guessing praying in Jesus' name must have something to do with praying in accordance with the will of God, and is much more than simply adding the words at the end of a prayer.

Also, I've prayed prayers before - things that are the desires of my heart, such as I would know God more deeply, that certain family members would be brought closer to God. Surely these things must be the will of God - he must want His children to come closer to him. And Dad's death seems to have brought some of these things about - other prayers that have been the desire of my heart have been answered as I have wished (to some extent!), through what I did not desire. So, that has given me a lot to think about.

And I said I didn't have peace before he died. The time I did eventually have peace was when my Mum and I were told the bad news by the doctor. When they told us, I felt peace - a kind of relief that the anguish was over, but also peace that can only come from above. My Mum said she felt it too. I cannot explain it, but it was quite beautiful in amongst the dreadful feeling of shock and numbness. It was as though God was impressing upon us that He was in control.

And there began the journey through grief, which I think I have pretty much got through now. When I look back at everything, I sometimes ask myself if I wish it had been different, that none of it had ever happened. That is a tough question. Obviously my first reply would be to say yes - I would love to still have my Dad, and for Mum to still have her husband. I don't think the ache of his loss will ever go away. But really, when I think more deeply, I don't know if I would wish it away. It was the will of God after all, and as I keep saying, it has changed my perspective on life in what I believe to be valuable ways.

The first couple of weeks were very special - I think they really were the days of 'songs in the night' (literal nights, but also what I call dark days as well). If only I could know the Lord as close always, without the circumstances. But I guess God draws extra close when we are going through the valleys. Without the valleys, would we know so much about the joy? (that's a question, not a statement!). The joy of the Lord has become more real, more of a treasure since this valley.

And throughout the whole year, I think that I've learnt more about how God relates to us than ever before. Relationship with God has become sweet and refreshing to the soul, rather than simply fact (as it often was). I'm still as rubbish in my quiet times and everything like that, but as I say, my perspective and understanding has changed. Jesus and the hope have heaven has become more precious.

Also, as I wrote in one previous post, I have had quite a number of friends go through very difficult trials this year. It has given me a greater insight into struggles than I have ever had before, and even greater confidence that Christ is our only hope. And it is so amazing he has made this hope possible. I thank God that the hope has been brought to reality for my Dad.

I don't ever want to forget the past year - I hope I always treasure it for what it has taught me. And it has been very helpful writing the blog about it all. But here it all ends... sort of. I have always intended to stop this blog eventually, because I set it up with the intention of writing about the very specific topic of losing Dad, but I knew that I wouldn't need to do that forever. I want to put some closure on it all now, and I don't really have much else to write about it. I'm doing fine now. However....I enjoy blogging!!! So I'm going to keep it up, but I don't really know what to write about! So any suggestions.............

Anniversary

9th October 2005 - the day my Dad died. So today is the first 'anniversary'. It really just feels like any other day. I don't 'feel' much at all. Not like any other anniversary where it's nice to look back and think over 'this time a year ago'. I don't particularly want to do that, and I don't see why I should. But I suppose anniversaries not only cause us to look back at the day being marked, but also over the whole year in between, which I am happy to do.

It has been a journey - probably sounds corny, but it has. And the journey really started way before last year, and it has been something I have been meaning to write about since I started this blog. So now maybe it is the time to do it, and somehow 'mark' this anniversary. Everything I'm going to write about is very personal, and I don't think anyone should apply it to their own life at all.

Something going wrong in my life didn’t entirely come as a shock or huge blow to me. Dad’s death itself was a shock because I didn’t know that was going to happen; but I truly believe the Lord prepared me for something to happen and made me more ready than if it had happened 2 or 3 years beforehand.

I remember in my second year at uni constantly hearing Christian talks about sufferings and hardships. Not the sort that are a direct result of being a Christian, like persecution, but the sort we have no control over, like illness or death. All these talks pointed to the Bible and the amount of suffering in there of the Lord’s people. Also, the Bible is full of passages, verses and statements about the Lord’s comfort, love, closeness in times of trouble and so on. It seemed so obvious to me that God does not give His people an easy ride in life, that becoming a Christian in no way guarantees a trouble free life. But my life did seem trouble free!!! I had the occasional upset and things I found difficult, but nothing big. And here were people recounting time after time the problems they’d had with grief and pain. All of them were able to testify to God’s goodness and sustaining arm in these times, but all the same I became overwhelmed with a fear that something would happen to me.

I remember ringing Dan up one Sunday evening after I’d been at a Christian meeting. I’d heard many of these talks, and then someone at this meeting did a talk about suffering and listed off all these recent problems he’d had – just one thing after another. I couldn’t begin to imagine how he must have coped through all this. I was so scared about something happening to me, and I was not ready to cope with this. Dan came out with some words of wisdom which I can’t recall now, but I remember feeling reassured that the Lord would be there if any troubles came my way and that He is sovereign – anything that happens is all part of His plan, which may be confusing but we can trust in it.

I didn't feel so scared afer that night, but I did become more and more aware that troubles may one day come my way. I had continued to meet Christians who have been through so much heartache while at the same time my life just seemed to get easier. I had come out of my teenage years, which were admittedly very difficult at times but no huge tragedy; living away from home had made me love and appreciate my home more and more, which included getting closer and closer to Dad, and I was just generally very happy. I got married and things fell in to place – we got a house, both had jobs, found a lovely church, were very contented. Life was wonderful and the Lord truly blessed us. But I began to get such a profoundly deep sense that I shouldn’t take all this for granted. Particularly last year (2005) I felt so strongly that none of us are untouchable. It is so easy to think that ‘things don’t happen to me’ and I have, I guess, gone through life with that sort of attitude. But this attitude started to disappear. Of course things could happen to me!! Look at all these ordinary Christian people all around me who had been scaring me with their tragic stories of heartache and grief!

And then last year, starting around February, our pastor did a wonderful series of sermons on Job. I was hooked on these. They were so heartfelt and portrayed such a wonderful display of man in relation to God. I learnt so much from Job – a man of God who suffered so much, yet never cursed the Lord, even though eventually he began to question God wrongly. But he also made some amazing statements: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I shall return. The Lord gave and the Lord had taken away, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD’. And I also learnt so much of God. He allowed all of Job’s suffering to happen. He was completely sovereign in it all. Job really struggled, but God was always good. When God finally speaks at the end of Job, He never once gives Job the reason behind his suffering. He displays His awesome power through His questioning of Job, and makes it clear what a mighty God He is. Who are we to question the Creator of the heavens and the earth? And Job just had to conclude that he had been questioning things 'too wonderful' for him to ever understand.

Through most of these sermons I just hung on every word. I felt so comforted by the truths about God through Job, yet I had nothing to be comforted for! But there were times where my eyes welled up and I felt God so near and felt so strongly that He would sustain me through any trouble, that he would give ‘songs in the night’, as Job spoke of - it almost felt real, like I was being strengthened through a tough time, but it hadn’t even happened! This was very strange, but again helped me to know that I am not untouchable. God is sovereign and can do as He pleases. As He showed in Job, He does not have to give an account of Himself to any of us.

It was hard to put all these thoughts into words. It still is. It might sound like I was being morbid and fatalistic, but it wasn't that at all. I was talking to Mum only a few weeks before Dad died and telling her how I feel we should all be prepared for anything to happen. Not to go about with a sense of foreboding, but just not to take anything for granted, to know that God is good and gives us great blessings, but He will do as He will. I said to Mum that I feel that something will happen, now or one day in the future – but I couldn’t explain it, as I can’t here. It wasn’t that I knew something was going to happen, just that I felt I was being prepared in case something did happen. I didn’t understand it myself at the time, so can’t really put it in to words now.

But I also had other feelings last year that at the time I didn’t really think anything of, but now I look back and can see God in it, preparing me and helping me to really appreciate His gifts while we have them. Just thoughts about Dad, and my family and childhood - personal, special thoughts and feelings - thoughts and feelings that I now count as a real blessing that I really am thankful for.

I don't believe that I knew something was going to happen, but I do believe God was very gracious to me before it did. I am always reluctant to share this stuff with people because I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want people who understand that suffering comes to Christians, or worry about it, to start thinking that their thoughts mean something and something bad will happen. That is being fatalistic. This is all very personal to me, but stuff I share because it is part of my ongoing testimony. I believe God deals differently with us all. For me, if I never had any thoughts about struggles and pain, I don't think I would have coped very well. But I know other Christians who have never considered trouble coming to them, and when it does, they get through it. In the last year I have had panicky thoughts about bad things happening and sometimes read far too much into them....they always just turn out to be me worrying and come to nothing. I spent a whole week recently literally feeling sick with worry over some stupid events that caused me to be convinced of something bad. I had all the course of events and reasons worked out, and got myself in such a state! My worrying and stress was a complete waste of time! My 'predictions' are almost always wrong!!! I don't believe God reveals our futures to us, so we should not be fatalistic or worry unreasonably about anything. I'm the sort of person who looks too deeply for meaning into every little thought that pops into my head! I think this is wrong, and is different to what I have been describing above. I believe all of that was from God, but I have no idea what God has in store for me in the future. I don't dare to believe that I have had my turn - that that's it for me and nothing else will go wrong. But I also know that God could choose to bless me and give me a wonderful pain free life for the rest of my days. All I know is, my whole perspective on life and God has changed and I feel content to let God have His way (even though it is quite scary to say so). I also know how good God is through the dark days. But after all this waffle and jumbled thoughts I haven't reflected on those dark days yet. I will have to write about them later because there is no time now.

Looking Unto Jesus (Hebrews 12:2)

The other day I read something which excited me because it tied in so well with the things about Christ that I have been learning and writing about. I also read it not long after reading Kirst's post on 'Striving for Perfection' and it seemed to fit nicely with that. Maybe others won't find it exciting, but I just love it when I read and hear things that all tie up and give similar messages, all in a short space of time. I have felt that over this summer God has tied up for me all the things I've heard and read, and confirmed all the things I'm learning are definitely from Him and what He wants me to hear about at the moment.

This extract is from C H Spurgeon's Morning and Evening daily readings (archaic language I'm afraid!):

"It is ever the Holy Spirit's work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan's work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, 'Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.' All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that 'Christ is all in all'. Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee - it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee - it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument - it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find hppiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by 'looking unto Jesus'. Keep thine eyes simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to Him; when thou liest down at night look to Him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail thee."

Amen!

Desiring Christ (2)

Following on from earlier, I was thinking about how hard it is to portray Christ as desirable to others around us who don't know him. A girl at camp told me she has no desire for God (which I didn't believe but that's another story!). It was clear that nothing I could say would give her a desire for God. It really needed the Spirit to move in her and point her to the desirableness of Jesus. It was obvious on camp that we couldn't make any of these young people desire Christ in our own strength - we can only pray that God will use our words and open their eyes.

Then today at work, I just didn't know where to start with a colleague. First, she used the name of Christ as a swear word, which she does frequently. This always pierces through me but did even more so after being at camp with a wonderful godly team who really loved Jesus. I didn't say anything (I never do) but it made the hymn come to mind "How Sweet the name of Jesus sounds in a believer's ear" and also the song which says, "Your name is like honey on my lips". Even the name of Jesus should be so precious to a Christian - to hear his name is lovely - except when used as a swear word. I wished I had said something. I always wish I'd said something.

Later on this same colleague was talking about some friends of hers who have gone through a lot of suffering. She was wondering how they could possibly deserve it all, how the world is so cruel, and that's why she doesn't think she could ever have faith in a god - he must be such a cruel god to pick on a family like them. My mind just started to race and fumble around for something to say. This colleague can be scary and I am quite intimidated by her. We've had a few conversations about God, but I've never shared the gospel with her. It's hard to get anywhere with her because she's very strong with her views. I started to mumble something, asking God for some major help(!) when her mobile went and she walked off! Part of me felt like I'd been saved by the bell(!), but at the same time I was disappointed that the opportunity had gone.

I've been thinking about what I would have said if her phone hadn't rung. I think it would have been a really tough conversation. I can see where she was coming from, what made her think that way. When my Dad died I thought it was wonderful to know God and was able to trust in His plan etc etc. But how could I make Christ seem desirable to someone like my colleague, who just thinks if God exists he must be cruel and picks on people? It's making me see even more how much we need God to open people's eyes. There's so much I could have said, but it probably would have wound her up in all honesty. She needs to hear about Jesus and have a desire for him. I think when we witness we need to constantly point people to Christ. I don't know how I could ever make this particular colleague believe in God, and I don't know how I could ever answer all her questions. It IS so hard when it seems one family cops more than the rest of us. So I'd like to be able to just tell her about Christ. I'm not diminishing her questions - I do believe it is important for people to question and explore and I believe that for many people answers to questions is what they require. But no amount of answered questions will ever help them if they don't also have a desire to know Jesus. So I think I might change the way I pray for my colleagues and friends, as well as for myself - that they too would desire Christ, and that somehow, if I am to get in to conversation with some of them, that God will help me to point them to him.

Desiring Christ

I haven't written for a while because it's been a busy summer with one thing and another. I have learnt a great deal spiritually from going to the Keswick Convention and also a youth camp that Dan and I helped on. They were both wonderful and I really have been challenged. I haven't had chance to process and think everything through yet because - as is always the case with me - I have come home and the busy-ness of general life has taken over. Why does it always happen like that?

However, on Sunday I was talking to our pastor's wife and she said something that has really made me think, perhaps more than any of the challenges that I've had over the summer, and may also help me to process those challenges. She was talking about a girl who came to know the Lord last week. This girl had tried to become a Christian many times in the midst of many personal problems. Nothing had ever changed for her and she always knew that she still wasn't a Christian. So my pastor's wife asked her what was different this time, and she replied that this time she just desired Christ.

Just desiring Christ - that's what it's all about. I wondered if I had ever just desired Christ. It made me think that perhaps when I go on these conferences and camps I am challenged and as a result I desire many things - to be a better Christian, to know more, to pray harder, to read my Bible more, to develop more of the fruits of the Spirit - all very good desires and I'll keep desiring them! But...where do I desire Christ in all of this? Do I desire him above all these things? And I thought, that if my focus was on him, and I started to desire him more, then all of these things would naturally begin to follow. I don't know what other people think, but it did challenge me. I think that instead of trying to process the masses of information that I've been fed this summer, I need to just spend some time with Jesus, and read about him in the gospels, and get to know him better. It's the only way of becoming more like him. So I've been challenged by a brand new baby Christian who has seen that Jesus is the most precious thing we should desire above all else!